Transactional Analysis is a model that is particularly useful when working with couples. It
can be used to help the therapist and counsellor, as well as the couple, to understand
reoccurring communication patterns, emotional reactions, negative behavioural
communication and interlocking scripts. In clinical practice Transactional Analysis can
be used with couples to help them understand:
* conflict cycles
* how to communicate more clearly
* how to identify emotional triggers
* how to understand the different parts of the self they transact from
* to reduce blame and defensiveness
* to help each partner develop an awareness of their own self-agency
* to build up a more equal adult to adult way of communicating
Some of the concepts we might use in Transactional Analysis with regards to couples
work are:
1. An understanding of Ego States/parts of the self – first order and second
order.
2. Transactional communication
(a) ulterior transactions
(b) complementary transactions
(c) blocking transactions
(d) cross transactions
(e) redefining transactions
3. An understanding of Script theory/Script analysis.
(a) Injunctions
(b) Drivers
(c) Early Script decisions and how they are enacted out in present day life and
relationships
4. Different types of Scripts
(a) Harmatic Scripts
(b) Banal Scripts
(c) Winner/success Scripts
(d) Loser Scripts-2-
5. The Four Life Existential Positions
(a) I’m okay, You’re not okay
(b) I’m okay, You’re okay
(c) I’m not okay, You’re okay
(d) I’m not okay, You’re not okay
6. The Okay Corall and how the four life positions are fundamental to the
understanding of Script
(a) An understanding of Interlocking Scripts and how they complement and
heed communication in relationships
7. Games
(a) An understanding of the Drama Triangle and how that might be played out
in relationships.
(b) An understanding of the three positions on the Drama Triangle which are
Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim.
8. Strokes/A Social Unit of Recognition
(a) Positive Strokes
(b) Positive Conditional Strokes
(c) Negative Strokes
9. How Strokes are vital in understanding breakdown in communication
10. Contracts
(a) Individual Contracts for both partners in couples work
(b) The importance of the Relational Contract in couples work
It’s important for the therapist to understand that when working with couples that they
need to take a directive stance rather than a passive stance. In other words, the therapist
needs to be prepared to:
(a) Set Contracts
(b) Set the structure of the session
(c) Set boundaries
(d) To be prepared to be pro-active in the couples session
The difference between the individual and couples work is
(a) There are three people and not two
(b) The therapist needs to see the process from a systematic viewpoint rather than an
individual standpoint.-3-
As with individual therapy, it is important in couples therapy that the therapist/counsellor
has an awareness of the concept of transference because as with individual therapy
there will be transferential dynamics which will underline the couples session.
HOW TO USE TA CLINICALLY WITH COUPLES
THE EGO STATE MODEL
When working with couples from a Transactional Analysis perspective it is important for
the therapist to have an understanding of Ego State theory, particularly the first order
model which is the basic Parent, Adult, Child model. When using this first order model,
the therapist can then observe the Ego States that are used by each person when
communicating with each other.
This will give an indication of the “communication style” the two people generally engage
in. For example, the major transactional dialogue between the two people may be from
Parent to Parent, Parent to Child, Child to Child, or Adult to Adult.
In healthy relationship dialogue, the two people will move freely from different types of
transactional patterns. The communication difficulties, or breakdown, may happen when
the two people get stuck in one way of relating and are unable to move freely to the
different transactional ways of relating.
When looking at communication breakdowns with regards to Ego State conflicts, it is
useful to think
Which Ego State was each person speaking from?
Which Ego State was each person responding from?
Did the transaction match or cross?
What emotional need or trigger was underneath it?
The goal in the therapy is not to blame people, it is to help them to map their interactions
and help them be aware of what could lead to difficulties and breakdown in
communication.
An another variation of this Ego State model, sometimes called the Functional or Second
Order model, is when you sub-divide the Parent ego state and the Child ego state to
Controlling Parent – Nurturing Parent – Free Child – Adapted Child.
Please note you might want to further split the Adapted Child into Rebellious Child and
the Compliant Child.
This model will further help the couples understand how they communicate with each
other, and how to change their style of communication to aid fluid communication.-4-
For example, a grounded transactional dialogue which will aid healthy communication
will be Adult to Adult transactions.
In my experience, an understanding of the different parts of the self that the couple
communicate from will be blocked transactions or fixed transactional dialogues.
Ulterior Transactions
In using the Ego State model with couples you will help the couple reflect and be aware
of their different transactional dialogues and ulterior transactions which the couples may
or may not be aware of which is causing challenges in their relationship.
Ulterior transactions are where two messages are conveyed at the same time. One of
these is an overt or social level message, which often is from Adult to Adult, the other is a
covert or psychological level message, which is usually from Parent/Child or
Child/Parent.
It is important to note that the behavioural outcome of an ulterior transaction is
determined at the psychological level and not the social level.
In other words, unless the therapist helps the couple be aware of their ulterior messages
problems will often persist.
SCRIPT THEORY
In Transactional Analysis theory, Script means an unconscious life plan which the
individual will decide on early in childhood and enact out later throughout their life.
Their Script and the early decisions that make up their Script, will determine their
relationships that they enter into and how they see themselves, others and the world.
In couples work, it is important when using this model to look for:
(a) General Script themes that play out in the sessions with the couple.
(b) Script analysis with regards to both couples.
(c) Interlocking Scripts between the two partners and whether they hinder or enhance
the relationship.
In early psychoanalytic theory, Freud postulated that when entering romantic
relationships we “marry our mother or father”.
From a Transactional Analysis perspective, what Freud was hinting at was that
unconsciously we will seek out the themes and patterns that form our early Scripts.
If we take this understanding, we will be able to observe more closely the dynamics that
underpin the relationship challenges or difficulties.-5-
If we look at couples work from a developmental perspective, we can analyse how the
Scripts of both partners are being enacted out in the relationship and whether this is
healthy or not.
An understanding of Script Theory is important with relation to:
* An understanding of long-term relational patterns
* Attachment, in other words how the two partners connect with each other and an
understand of their “Attachment style”
* Self defeating/negative behaviours
* Repetitive emotional patterns
* Early Script decisions and how they get enacted out in relationships.
When thinking of Script theory, we need to think developmentally, and it’s important to
think how each person’s Script may or may not fit together, and how the emerging
Scripts of the two couples may be fundamental in the couple’s challenges or
communication breakdown.
A good exercise that you might want to encourage the couple to reflect on is:
* Ask the couple to imagine if their parents were together in a room would they
actually get on?
* Would they be talking to each other?
* Would they go on holiday together/
* Or would they actually leave the room?
In my experience, the responses to these questions will give insights and information to
the early Script themes and decisions which were formed at a developmental level and
will be enacted out om the relationship today.
FOUR LIFE EXISTENTIAL POSITIONS (The Okay Corall)
The Four Existential Life positions in Transactional Analysis are particularly important
when considering someone’s Script and relational patterns with regards to how they
interact with the self and others in the world.
When working clinically with couples and looking at relational patterns and Script
themes, it is important to consider their life position on the Okay Corall.
The fundamental position concerning their Life position is that though the individual will
move around the Okay Corall with regards to their Life position, they will under stress
have a favourite Life position that they will adhere to with regards to how they relate and
see the world.
The four life positions are:
(a) I’m okay, you’re okay (healthy position)
(b) I’m okay, you’re not okay (critical/controlling position)-6-
(c) I’m not okay, you’re okay (inferior/hopeless stance)
(d) I’m not okay, you’re not okay (the most unhealthy position, often leading to self-
harm of self and others)
It is important to note here that a therapist when considering how couples interact will be
specifically looking at the favourite position the individual comes from under stress and
how that may hinder or enhance the relational quality of the couple.
For example, one partner may default to “I am okay, you’re not okay” during conflict
(which is from a blaming stance). The other partner may shift into “I’m not okay, you are
okay” (withdrawal, pleasing and self-blame).
This shows a cyclical pattern which is often commonly seen in couples therapy and
which may be a significant issue that needs to be addressed for healthy adult to adult
communication.
An analysis of a couple’s life positions is often useful to externalise when looking at
relational patterns rather than personalising blame.
Other useful reasons for considering Life positions when working with couples is:
(a) they provide a language for couples to easily understand emotional states under
stress;
(b) it helps both couples understand the complexities of Script positions;
(c) an understanding of a couple’s Life positions may lead towards deeper
understandings of different models such as Attachment theories and Attachment
styles which may be taught to the couples in the service of educational therapy.
GAMES (DRAMA TRIANGLE)
Another concept taken from transactional analysis which is useful when working with
couples is the idea of “Games”.
The definition of a Game is a behavioural pattern learnt from childhood with a beginning,
middle and end.
These behavioural patterns often learnt in childhood as a maladaptive way to get their
needs met, are then enacted out throughout life and particularly in social and romantic
relationships.
These behavioural patterns, which were decided young in life as a maladaptive way to
get their needs met, are not necessarily useful today with regards to social and romantic
relationships.
Eric Berne (1964) wrote the famous book “Games People Play” which went on to be a
bestseller and identified behavioural patterns that people play with other people in an
attempt to get their needs met.-7-
Eric Berne suggested that by identifying these behavioural patterns that people play with
each other the therapist can then help the couple identify the needs that lie beneath the
external behaviours that aren’t being met in the relationship.
The therapist will then analyse what needs to happen for the couple to act and behave
relationally from a healthy perspective.
Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle taken from Transactional Analysis theory is a diagram for analysing
Games. Stephen Karpman suggested that whenever people play Games they are
stepping into one of three Scripty roles which he calls Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim.
The Persecutor is someone who puts other people down and belittles them. The
Persecutor views others as being one down and not okay.
A Rescuer sees others as being not okay and one down. But the Rescuer responds by
offering help from a one up position. They believe “I have to help all these others
because they are not good enough to help themselves”.
To a Victim it is themselves who is one down and not okay. Sometimes a Victim will seek
a Persecutor to put them down and push them around. Sometimes the Victim maybe in
search of a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm the Victim’s belief “I can’t cope on my
own”.
All three Drama Triangle roles are inauthentic. When people are in one of these roles
they are responding to the past rather than to the here and now situation.
The Drama Triangle is exceptionally useful for couples therapists as it provides a non-
blaming language for identifying these negative patterns.
Couples come to therapy often when they are stuck in these negative patterns and wish
to change to a more healthy pattern of relating which will mean them moving out of the
Drama Triangle and moving to an Adult position in the here and now rather than
operating from past strategies.
The therapist will help the couple identify the repetitive behavioural patterns which are
usually a block to healthy communication. In the identifying of the “Games” the couples
have fallen into repetitive arguments where they unconsciously seek specific roles to
their emotional needs met.
Once they understand this and become aware that their negative behavioural patterns
aren’t helpful to healthy, effective communication in the here and now, they can then with
the help of the therapist make a shift from drama to intimacy and from conflict towards
sharing vulnerability and deeper sharing.-8-
STROKES
An understanding of Strokes from Transactional Analysis is particularly useful when
working with couples.
A Stroke is a unit of social recognition and it can be:
* Positive
* Positive Conditional
* Negative
* Verbal
* Non Verbal
A couples therapist using the concept of Strokes will be looking for the Stroking patterns
within the relationship and helping the couple understand the importance of recognition
rather than indifference.
The importance of this must not be under-estimated as the way the couple stroke each
other, or don’t, is like the oxygen or lack of oxygen in the relationship.
Healthy Stroking patterns are the way that the couple need to take on board to attend to
the relationship. Often indifference and lack of attention to the process of the
relationship is or can be one of the major problems for relationship breakdown.
CONTRACTS
Contractual theory is central to transactional analysis. In working with couples you will
need to make 3 separate contracts at the beginning of the work with the couple.
You will need to make an individual contract with one of the couple and a second
contract with the other part of the couple, and then you will need to make a relationship
contract in general with what both of them want in terms of relationship change.
Contracts are a bilateral agreement towards a specified outcome for change. They need
to be observable and achievable.
With reference to contracts, you may decide to review contracts as you go along and
indeed make new contracts.–9-
CONFIDENTIALITY
Confidentiality is essential to individual as well as couples therapy. It is important to
remember with couples therapy that you don’t get caught up in a keeping secrets
dilemma.
What that means is that if you see one of the partners individually, or indeed both of the
partners individually for one or two sessions, you need to have an open confidentiality
contract.
SETTING THE SCENE FOR COUPLES THERAPY
The major difference between individual and couples therapy is that couples therapy
comes from a systemic approach which means that the therapist is observing the system
created by the couple.
Different couples therapists may work differently when working with couples. Some
therapists will insist on seeing the couples together from beginning to end of the
treatment, basically so they can observe the system the couples co-create. Other
couples therapists may see the individual partners for two or three sessions and then
bring them back to work as a couple.
This is important to note specifically with regards to the contracts that you have with the
couple. An important note here is to consider the transference of “splitting” and that you
are aware of this process.
One of the most important things to remember when setting the scene for working with
couples is the concept of transference.
With couples there will be multi transferences, one of them will be that the couple will
unconsciously be often competing for the “Parent’s recognition” and for the “Parent to
confirm their version of reality”.
It is important that the therapist keeps out of this process and doesn’t fall into the trap of
either (a) investing more attention or time to one partner over the other, or (b) defining
which reality is the correct one.
Another important logistical element to consider when working with couples is the
duration of the session and whether payment is different from couples to individual
therapy.
In my experience, therapists may see a couple for a longer time, ie 90 minutes rather
than 60 minutes per session. In the end, it’s up to the therapist’s preference whether
they keep to a 60 minute session or to extend it to 90 minutes.
As said above, when working with couples the therapist needs to come from a more
directive and pro-active stance and may give out homework for couples to undertake
before their next session.-10-
CLINICAL CONSIDERATIONS
When working with couples it’s important to think of connection, not only with you but as
importantly how connected or attached they are with each other and how that is played
out behaviourally, ie do they sit next to each other, do they sit in separate chairs? What
is happening with their connection between each other is an important clinical
consideration and will give you detailed information for reflection and will say a lot about
their communication style as well as their attachment style.
Bob Cooke, TSTA
